FF: Fantasy Lianca Dialogue II (12/17/03) - PG

[suzotchka67]

Title: Fantasy Lianca Dialogue II (12/17/03)
Author: Susan P. [e-mail]
Fandom: All My Children
Pairing: Lianca
Rating: PG [again--not that kind of fantasy!]

Summary: This is the how I would rather have seen
the little Leggie confrontation play itself out. The first
ten lines or so of dialogue were lifted directly from the
Wednesday, 12/17/2003 episode. The rest is mine,
and as such, a departure from show canon.

Author's Notes: Although this departs from canon in
the sense that Bianca didn't witness the Maggie/Lena
conversation and the Lianca conversation is entirely
my invention, I ended it at a place where the next
canon Lianca scenes (from 12/18/03) could be seen as
logically following after mine.

There's minimal Maggie-bashing in this piece, though
that's more due to Bianca's influence than my own.
But, I was pissed at her (and everyone else, really) for
not showing Lena one ounce of compassion in regards
to her suicide attempt, so that may show through.
Plus, I was pissed off at Lena for giving Maggie
potential ammunition against her for later, so having
Binks show up was my way of 'fixing' both of the
biggest problems I had with those scenes.

Disclaimers: Sadly, these characters don't belong to
me, else things would be playing out *much*
differently on screen.

Archiving: www.alightlefton.com . Anyone
else, please ask first.
Feedback: Always welcome. On the lists/forums or
via e-mail: [e-mail]


"Bianca won't know. She doesn't know, okay?"

Bianca pulled up short at hearing Lena's words. Part
of her wanted to turn and run away, or just barge in
before Lena could say more. She was almost afraid to
think about what Lena might be keeping from her
now.

"Lena, you are not leaving until you tell me what
happened."

"When Bianca was p-- When I found out that Bianca
was having an abortion, I...I couldn't handle it. I did
something stupid. Something I regret."

"Oh great, more regrets. That's just perfect."

Bianca didn't understand where Maggie's antagonistic
attitude toward Lena was coming from. Lena had
done nothing lately but try to help her, why couldn't
Maggie see that?

"I was being selfish. Yes. I felt partly to blame for
the pain that she was in. I--I didn't handle it very
well."

"Well, what did you do?"

"I took some of the poison that I put in Michael's
allergy pills."

Bianca's knees went weak and she felt sick from the
shock of hearing Lena's words. She put a hand
against the wall to brace herself and tried to breathe
deeply to calm her roiling emotions.

"How could you possibly do that to her?"

She wanted to rush in and defend her... what? Her
mind and her heart screamed 'lover,' but she knew it
wasn't that simple any more. Or maybe things were
simpler than she wanted to admit. Lena's admission
had hit her hard, stolen her breath and what little sense
of equilibrium she'd regained since the explosion.
There was nothing unambiguous about the terror she
felt upon realizing she could have lost Lena,
permanently.

"I thought at the time I--I was doing it for her. I--I
don't expect you to understand..."

"No, I don't. God, and the last thing that she needs to
hear is that you tried to kill yourself because you
couldn't stand to see her in all that pain."

Maggie's reaction gave Bianca the impetus she needed
to get moving.

"That's enough, Maggie."

"Bianca!" both women exclaimed at once. Maggie
rushed to her side. Lena was much more hesitant.
She took a step forward, reaching out with both hands,
but then seemed to think better of it and dropped
them, looking guilty and a little fearful.

"Bianca, you're all right?" Lena questioned.

"Yeah, what happened? Are you okay?" Maggie
added.

"I--I'm okay. A little shaky still, but it's just a
concussion."

"What about the..." "And the baby?" the two asked
together.

"The baby's fine. I had to do some quick thinking at
the hospital, but I got lucky. There's a new doctor
there who didn't recognize me, so I gave a fake name.
They put the baby on a fetal monitor and everything is
fine. And David checked me over later when I got in
a little trouble after ducking out of the hospital."

"Bianca," Lena asked, "are you sure you should be
out? Shouldn't you be resting? A concussion..."

"Yes, I should be resting, but I'm okay, Lena. I have a
taxi waiting downstairs and I just came by for a
change of clothes for tomorrow. But don't think this
lets either of you off the hook. Maggie, I really don't
know what's going on with you lately, but I don't want
to hear you talk to Lena like that. If you can't try to
see things from her point of view, or at least be civil
to her, then keep it to yourself, okay?"

Maggie looked like she really wanted to protest, but
instead she just nodded and mumbled, "okay."

"Good. And, as for you..." Bianca turned to Lena who
stood stock still, eyes flickering between her face and
the floor, looking as if she were bracing for a blow.

Bianca stepped closer to Lena and intertwined their
fingers, pulling Lena's hands toward her.

"I would never, *could* never, be better off without
you in my life. I'm so, so sorry I ever gave you reason
to believe that."

Lena's eyes were wide open and riveted to hers.
"Bianca, it's not... You don't have any reason to
apologize to me."

She rubbed her thumbs across the backs of Lena's
hands. "I think maybe I do. I shut you out of my life
for months, when all you wanted was to help me. I
was so wrapped up in what I was going through that I
didn't really think about what that would do to you.
Or, I did think about it, but it was all too much and I
just couldn't..."

"Bianca, don't." Lena looked pained.

"I have to, Lena. I can't bear the thought that...that
you were in so much pain that you would even
consider..." She couldn't even say the words; it was
too horrible to contemplate. She noted vaguely that
Maggie had left the room. Bianca supposed that she'd
wanted to give them some privacy. "Lena, I'm so
tired of all the guilt and the blame, but I have to take
responsibility for my behavior and for what it did to
you."

"Bianca, I'm not proud of what I did, but I'm getting
help--I'm seeing a therapist. It will *never* happen
again. I promise. You don't have to worry about me.
I just want you to heal. I want you to find happiness
again, with or without me."

"I don't want to be happy if it's without you, Lena. I
don't know what I'm ready for right now. I know I'm
not ready to be...with you...like we were, but I do
want you in my life. I just need you to be patient, if
you can."

"Bianca, I'm not going anywhere. I'll be here for you,
no matter what."

They gravitated toward each other and slipped into a
tentative embrace. Lena turned her head to place a
tender kiss on Bianca's temple, and Bianca reveled in
the brief contact. She snuggled into the crook of
Lena's neck, whispering a nearly silent, "I love you."
Lena's arms tightened around her--the only sign she
gave of having heard.

That was how Maggie found them.

"Okay, you two. Break it up." She held up a small
backpack. "Here you go, Bianca. Jammies, clothes
for tomorrow, toothbrush and the like." She moved
around to the front of the couch, grabbed the rubber
duck and tucked it into the front pouch of the
backpack. "Where are you going to be staying?"

"Stuart and Marian's cottage on the Chandler estate.
It's kind of a long story, but I'll tell you later."

"I'll look forward to it. Now, you need to get some
rest." Maggie handed the backpack to Lena. "You
take care of her."

There was an undercurrent of defeat in Maggie's
seemingly upbeat and no-nonsense tone that puzzled
Bianca, but she was so distracted by Lena's presence,
by how much they had yet to say to one another, that
she decided to pursue things with Maggie later.

"I will," Lena replied immediately.

"Fine. So? Get out of here, already!"

Bianca was halfway to the door before she thought to
ask her friend. "Hey, what about you? Where will
you stay tonight?"

"Oh, I don't know... It seems safe enough here, for
now. I'll stay here for a while, at least, and try to
clean up a little. Then, if it gets weird, I'll just
go...hang out with David, or something."

"Yeah. Why don't you do that? Or, if he's tied up at
the clinic or something, you could go by Myrtle's, or
even my mom's Penthouse. I'm sure either one of
them would take you in for the night."

"I'll keep that in mind." Maggie smiled, but even in
the dark, Bianca could see it didn't reach her eyes.
"Now, go on, you two. I'll be fine."

"Okay," Bianca relented. "I'll see you tomorrow."

They walked out, and Maggie closed the door behind
them before slumping against it.

Bianca looked back at the door a moment before
asking Lena, "you've got your car?"

"Yes." Lena fumbled in her purse a moment, then
pulled out a couple bills. "Here. Why don't you pay
your taxi fare and I'll give you a ride back. Unless
you'd rather..."

"No. That's a good idea. We should talk."

Lena nodded. "I'll bring the car around."


[to be continued in next post...]

[suzotchka67]

and here's the rest of it...


Once they were in Lena's car and on their way, an
uneasy silence settled over them. Bianca sensed that
she would have to be the one to break it, if they were
going to make any progress.

"So, you wanna tell me about it?"

Lena swallowed and took a deep breath. "I suspect
you heard enough to know the basics. Do you really
need to know all the details?"

"I don't know. Maybe. Would it hurt too much to talk
about it?"

"Not really. I just... I feel foolish, and selfish, and I'm
not sure... Would hearing me talk about it do
anything more than hurt you needlessly?"

"It may hurt, Lena, but if this is ever going to work,
we need to be able to be honest with each other, even
when it's about how much we're hurting. Maybe
especially then. Besides, I'm tired of everyone trying
to protect me, like I'm some kind of emotional cripple
who'll disintegrate under the slightest stress. That
might have been true, at first, but I'm getting better,
and being sheltered from life isn't going to help me in
the long run."

"Okay. You're right. I just... You've been hurt
enough, I don't want to add to it."

"But, Lena, don't you think that holding things back
before might have contributed to..." She still couldn't
say it. Some example she was setting for being open
and honest. "I mean, all that time when I was keeping
you at a distance, did you have anyone you could talk
to?"

"Not consistently, no. I don't really have many friends
here. You, of course, and now Kendall, too, but at the
time she was as wrapped up in her sense of guilt over
what happened as I was and there were few others I
would have trusted enough to talk with about you. I
spoke to your uncle and to Myrtle once or twice, and
to Maggie a few times. None of which helped my
case with her, it seems. I was just so desperate for
any news, any sign that you were all ri-- That you were
healing. Maybe I should have started seeing a
therapist earlier. Maybe I wouldn't have..." her voice
trailed off. It seemed she was unwilling to say the
words, too, whether for Bianca's sake, or her own.

"Lena, I'd apologize for Maggie, but I really don't
know what's going on with her right now."

"It seems clear enough. She doesn't approve of me."

"I don't know about that. There's more going on with
her, but I haven't been able to figure it out. There
have been times she's been your biggest booster, but
lately... I don't know. I tried to get her to talk to me
about it, but she didn't really explain anything."

She was silent a moment, her thoughts led astray by
the Maggie issue, but she soon got back on track.
"Lena, I'm sorry I left you hanging all those months. I
was just so...messed up after the rape, and so afraid of
how much you made me feel, at a time I wished like
hell I couldn't feel anything. I should have told you
what happened. God, I should have done so many
things differently."

"Bianca, don't..."

"I know, I know. My therapist and I have been over
and over the blame thing, but... I can't deny how my
actions made a bad situation worse, and not just for
me, but for everyone around me. And I'm *sorry* that
I left you out there to try to deal with it all on your
own. My therapist has actually suggested more than
once that you need to be part of my recovery process,
and that maybe you should come in for a session or
two with me."

"And how do you feel about that?"

"I think that I may be ready to try it, if you're
willing?"

"Sure. Whenever you like. Actually, my therapist has
suggested something similar, too, but I told her no. I
didn't want to burden you."

"Well, if you're willing to try with me, I could
certainly do the same for you, if you want?"

"Okay. I'll consider it."

"So, that day when I saw you in the hospital, it wasn't
food poisoning?"

Lena looked as though she'd rather be anywhere else,
at that moment. "No."

"And this happened the night you overheard Maggie
and I at the boathouse talking about the pregnancy?"

"Yes."

Not satisfied with monosyllabic answers, Bianca
probed, "Lena. Can you tell me why?"

Lena's shoulders slumped in defeat. "I...it hurt me so
much, knowing that the pregnancy would just mean
more pain for you, something else for you to deal with
that you shouldn't have to. And...Maggie was right, in
a way. I mean, I didn't bring Michael to Pine Valley,
but... If I had never let him know how much I had
come to care for you... If he weren't trying to get back
at me for testifying against him, he might not have
chosen you as a target. He might just have taken his
rage out on me directly and been done with it."

"And that would have been better?"

"It would have been better for you."

And somehow Bianca knew without a doubt that that
was all that mattered to Lena. That Lena would have
willingly sacrificed herself if it meant she would
remain safe. Bianca didn't know how to respond to
that, since a part of her was glad that Lena hadn't
suffered any more at Michael's hand than she had
already.

"So, you left the boathouse, and then what?"

"I...went back to my room at the Pine Cone. I couldn't
bear the thought that you were in so much pain, and
that I was at least partly to blame for it. I--I didn't
think you could ever forgive me--and I wasn't sure
you should, either. And I thought you might actually
be better off without me around."

"Plus, you were alone and you had no one to turn to."

"Yes. I mean, thank God for Kendall. If it hadn't
been for her..."

"Wait a minute, Kendall *knows* about this?"

Lena winced, feeling guilty at having brought Kendall
into it. "Yes. Don't be angry with her for not telling
you. She only wanted to protect you. She and Boyd
came to the Pine Cone to offer me the CFO job. They
found me passed out in my room and got me to
David's clinic, where they pumped my stomach before
sending me on to the hospital."

"David, too, huh? God, Lena, if Kendall hadn't found
you..." she shivered at the thought.

"I know. Believe me, I'm very grateful to all of them
for saving me. It was a stupid thing to do."

"Yes. It was."

"Well, Kendall already, how you say, 'tore me a new
one' for not thinking about what my suicide might do
to you. And I swear to you, Bianca, it *won't* happen
again. I promise."

"Kendall was right, in a way, but I'm sorry she wasn't
kinder to you about it."

"She has been kind enough, in her way."

"Yeah, well, I'm sure she doesn't understand what
could drive someone to do something like that.
Kendall's first, last, and every instinct is to fight.
Always. I can't imagine her ever being so deep in
despair that she couldn't fight her way out. But I... I
can understand it, though. There were times after the
rape when I just... I wanted it all to end. I thought
about...ending it."

Lena gripped the steering wheel, hard. "I'm so glad
you had more courage than I did. I don't want to lose
you either, Bianca."

"I know, Lena. And for the record, I don't think what
you did was out of cowardice. I'm just very, very
grateful you weren't successful."

"I am, too, Bianca."

Bianca vaguely took note of where they were just in
time to direct Lena through the last few necessary
turns to get them to their destination. After parking,
they sat in the car for a moment.

Finally, Bianca asked, "Do you want to come in for a
while?"

"Are--are you sure? I wouldn't want to keep you from
your rest..."

"Yes, I'm sure, Lena. I can rest as well with you here
as without. Besides, you might be able to divert
Babe's attention a little. That's JR Chandler's wife.
She seems nice enough, but she's a bit of a
chatterbox."

"Well, I'll do my best to distract her, then, so you can
rest."

As it turned out, they needn't have worried. There
was no sign of Babe when they went in, but there was
a nice fire burning in the hearth, so she'd either just
left or she was upstairs. Lena helped Bianca get
settled in on the couch, then sat on the floor in front of
it and leaned back against it to watch over the young
woman.

A lot of the 'serious' talk out of the way, they were
content to talk about more mundane things: Lena's job
with Kendall, Lena's mother, Bianca's classes and her
worries over Kendall's situation, etc. They talked off
and on until Bianca drifted off to sleep, after which
Lena rose up on her knees to pull the blanket over
Bianca's shoulders.

"Good night, my love," she whispered, then sat down
again to watch Bianca sleep for a while.


The end
© December 2003

[laurieu]

Very nice. So I'm not the only one who plays out the dialogs in my head that I'd like to hear! Thanks.

[suzotchka67]

oopsie! forgot to reply to this earlier...

but, Thank You! i'm glad you enjoyed this.


Susan

[MusicFan65]

That was great! Would you mind posting that at our new board so everyone can enjoy it?

www.sosnovskasymposium.com/forums/index.php

Thanks for sharing your talent with us!

[suzotchka67]

That was great! Would you mind posting that at our new board so everyone can enjoy it?

y'know, i remember registering w/that board when i first heard about it, but then i promptly *gasp* forgot about it. oops! well, i don't have nearly the time to read that i'd like, so i mostly only go to the forums to troll for spoilers or to post fic

anyway, i did post it over on the SS's board just now.

Thanks for sharing your talent with us!

aww, thanks! glad you liked it.


Susan